i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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