How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
