from now on my penis is your penis
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
