i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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