I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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