I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
