I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
