Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Who died my cat blue again?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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