Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
