we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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