bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
