sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
