I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
