I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
