Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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