Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
