Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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