My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
