You can't motorboat a personality
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
