I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
