I need to stop coming to work sober
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
