She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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