I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
