I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
