i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
