sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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