There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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