I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
