a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
