i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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