I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
