I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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