when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
