your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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