"it" just moved
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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