A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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