dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
