saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
