he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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