She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
