I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
