Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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