My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
