Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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