allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
