I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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