I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she pinky promised me she was 18
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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