it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
