If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
