So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
